Two legs bad, four legs better?

Well my computer friends we meet again!

You seem a lot happier than before. That loud green bug game we discussed before seems to be going a lot more in your favour than you expected. I bet your rivals from that Down Under place will soon be selling their tear stained cork hats on ebay in shame.

Of course if you miss crucial points in the game it will be harder for you to make fun of them. My owners at Frank PR had Jimmy Anderson, who throws those red hard grape things fast for you down to remind you that the more of that juice you drink which makes you act funny you get down you, the more likely you are to be relieving yourself when important things happen.

But what’s this? A loud hooting coming from the keepers enclosure where they have that funny glowing box with a whole miniature world in it means there has been trouble. Seems that one of your chief giant grape like object batterers has been injured. This has damaged your plans to upset the cork hat people, apparently.

All this got me thinking – your famous sport silverbacks all seem pretty fragile, despite all their money and acclaim?

Then it hit me like an overripe banana falling from the trees – your problem is that you insist on walking upright, on two legs! Like those stupid, greasy and mean ostrich things – but they are much faster and better balanced than you. Doing things upright means that you wear your legs and feet out too quickly. Spend more time on all fours and you will be hurt half as much and not trip. You would be less upset by sport problems. The innocent, lovely way your babies look at the world when they are not being loud and stinky would return for all. And most importantly, there would be no big wars as you would all get to know each other as well as dogs do.

It all makes me wish John Lennon was around to write a song about it…Ah, well!

Mantenha-o quatro patas!

ASHES TO ASHES?

Boa sorte alegando sua volta estranha cinzas Inglês amigos meus!

Hello again my computer friends! Your icky unfriendly wet weather has kept us all hiding under leaves but we have been lured out to see why so many of you are excited and wearing white sweaters at the wrong time of year.

I’ve been told that it is all about a silly little cup of ash that you fight over with people from Down Under? Even Richard Branson is getting in on the act.

Whoever hits the giant red grape with the tree thing enough in a game named after a noisy green bug gets to keep it for a while. Why keep something you can’t eat and won’t scratch you? You are some big stupid naked monkeys you lot.

Well anyway my owners at Frank PR had champion thrower Stuart Broad round to deliver news of half price deals at Ocado. He is also concerned to make you all stop my home turning into whatever burnt stuff you lot keep in that silly urn.

Well if you ask me the best way is to click one of my causes on the right and dig deep!

Manter viva esperança!

Dressed Heads and Fast Hooves

Olá aí cavalo, chapéu e dama fãs!

I keep saying how hot it is getting for you but now it is too hot even for me! If I could get my hands on some clippers I would consider a serious trim. That way the next time you scare me and dad with your ugly mugs pressed against the glass, I could moon you back properly like a 70s streaker.

All this heat must have barbequed your brains because how do you react? By putting small men on top of horses and making them run until most of you lose money on the whole thing.

At the same time loads of your finest females prance about with sculptures on their heads. But only a few get noticed. This year despite the sweet melting heat the Quality Street Girls were helped by my owners Frank PR to make hats inspired by their favourite chocolates. They are 100 times normal size and I’m told the lady with the Purple One on her head had to spend all day looking to avoid any visiting elephants suspecting a nutty filling! Toffee Penny and Green Triangle were less interesting to large animals, but modern art collectors put in a few offers I’m told…

And Green Triangles remind me of the arrow I would draw pointing right and down to my charity links. If I had a small enough pen. Get giving before we all melt!

Até a próxima, manter refrigerado!

Jungle Groove

Dança a minha rua que grandes símios!

Hello again my tailless compadres! It is becoming far more hot so you lot look and smell even more rude than before. I may need to stuff my nose with leaves to cope, but that would make you tap on the glass even more than usual or call the vet to bother me again. Last time the vet came to poke around in embarrassing places and jostle my fur I made such an effort to get away from the cold tongs and stethoscope that it look like I was doing one of your popular street dances.

I was inspired by one of your kind as the megamonkeys at Frank PR had Britain’s Got Talent champion hoofer George Sampson come down to Alton Towers to get people dancing like him.

Of course if it keeps heating up in the Amazon because of you lot’s bad habits the only thing for me to groove on down to will be the thought of scrub grass and cow poo replacing my ancestral home. On the right you will see many ways to stop this happening by throwing my great cause a bit of shrapnel. Come on, you’ve have only spent it anyway?!

Vejo você na próxima vez que você louco Samba estudantes!

Sleeping through a rodent invasion

Cuidado com a desagradável homens nas urnas lhe grandes macacos!

Hello again my electronic jungle friends! And now I am linked up with Twitter I will be able to keep in touch with even more of you.

I’ve not been smiling as much as usual at you errant glass tapping tarsiers because when you’ve been cooing and making faces at me you should have been off down the local dusty, squash stained community hall to vote. Instead of stuffing ballot boxes with your hard earned rights you’ve been stuffing your faces with ice creams while gurning at mine! While you’ve been having fun some seriously nasty creatures have slipped themselves into Strasbourg. It would be as if I carried on hopping in time to your annoying glass tapping as a gang of smelly rodents ate all my grapes and gnawed through the roots of my tree. How silly you naked types can be.

We monkeys are experts at politics – if you groom the wrong back at the wrong time, forget to groom it, go against the fur direction or hog all the grapes the trees will shake with the biting, dung throwing and squabbling. Luckily it is just me, mum and dad here which leads to less confusion as long as my perpetual fruit rights are respected.

Of course if you carry on as you do there will be no fruit, or trees that are not the plastic variety you get in bad serviced offices. Look into your heart – then look to your right and get giving to my favourite charities!

Mantenha-o real até à próxima vez!

Cup double and climate trouble

Olá novamente nostálgicos fãs de futebol!

Well it looks like the weather is turning somewhat more Brazilian for you overgrown lemur children so we expect to see many of you smiling at us and pointing over the weekend. Though if the glass tapping keeps up mum and dad say they will find a way to electrify it. I bet the faces you make will be even funnier to us then!

Of course in my homeland nothing gets in the way of football, not annoying taptap noises or even the lack of shoes and ball - but it is nice that the sun will be out for the FA Cup final. My owners at Frank PR are especially excited as they've helped Setanta Sports bring back the two most famous pundits from that happier, shinier time they call the eighties, Saint and Greavsie, to comment on the game. They keenly offered their support to my cause as I could use their tactical genius in my quest to get you to dig deep to save my home.

Setanta didn’t forget the naughties though as Jon Champion is going to be the world’s first Commentweeter, interacting and punditing through a modern medium named after birds.

I don’t mind birds as long as they stay away from my grape stash and are sensitive about where they relieve themselves – my luxuriant fur is hard to clean. As will be your conscience if you don’t donate soon. Especially as I’ve added Rainforest SOS which was founded by your very own Prince Charles.

Ver-te novamente em breve, os fãs de futebol!

Famous Bones

Saudações electrónicas osso caça fãs!

Mum, dad and I have been especially busy lately because your silverbacks seem to have decided to bunch up all your Bank Holidays round May time. I’ve been entertaining many more of you than usual with my moustachioed antics. As long as you do not tap on the glass we find all of you quite amusing to watch, too. It is hotter now so you are wearing less clothes than usual, reminding us of the full extent of your furless indecency.

Some of our spoddier keepers were marvelling about this new fossil that may be a common ancestor of us all. She is called Ida and is preserved well enough that we can see she was a real gourmet – her last meal consisted of fruit (giant, football sized prehistoric grapes I bet) and leaves. There is a lot of controversy as some scientists are suspicious of the amount of marketing associated with it today even though it was dug out of a famous bone pit twenty years ago. Saying she links us all might be as premature as putting a hard, tiny green banana on your cereal before you’ve even poured it into the bowl.

Ida has a TV documentary and a book deal already and I’d not be surprised if there are Ida branded dolls, novelty sausages, moustache combs, Lego play sets and commemorative pyjamas in the near future.

If the big apes at Frank PR carry on in their accustomed fashion I will soon join Ida in international fame and be able to design my own brand of grape case (to avoid that embarrassing squishing problem). The sooner you dig deep to save my home, the sooner I can concentrate on innovative merchandising so get clicking on the right - right now!

Até a próxima, olhar para fora para famosos ossos!