Wednesday, 22 July 2009

Two legs bad, four legs better?

Well my computer friends we meet again!

You seem a lot happier than before. That loud green bug game we discussed before seems to be going a lot more in your favour than you expected. I bet your rivals from that Down Under place will soon be selling their tear stained cork hats on ebay in shame.

Of course if you miss crucial points in the game it will be harder for you to make fun of them. My owners at Frank PR had Jimmy Anderson, who throws those red hard grape things fast for you down to remind you that the more of that juice you drink which makes you act funny you get down you, the more likely you are to be relieving yourself when important things happen.

But what’s this? A loud hooting coming from the keepers enclosure where they have that funny glowing box with a whole miniature world in it means there has been trouble. Seems that one of your chief giant grape like object batterers has been injured. This has damaged your plans to upset the cork hat people, apparently.

All this got me thinking – your famous sport silverbacks all seem pretty fragile, despite all their money and acclaim?

Then it hit me like an overripe banana falling from the trees – your problem is that you insist on walking upright, on two legs! Like those stupid, greasy and mean ostrich things – but they are much faster and better balanced than you. Doing things upright means that you wear your legs and feet out too quickly. Spend more time on all fours and you will be hurt half as much and not trip. You would be less upset by sport problems. The innocent, lovely way your babies look at the world when they are not being loud and stinky would return for all. And most importantly, there would be no big wars as you would all get to know each other as well as dogs do.

It all makes me wish John Lennon was around to write a song about it…Ah, well!

Mantenha-o quatro patas!

Friday, 10 July 2009


Boa sorte alegando sua volta estranha cinzas Inglês amigos meus!

Hello again my computer friends! Your icky unfriendly wet weather has kept us all hiding under leaves but we have been lured out to see why so many of you are excited and wearing white sweaters at the wrong time of year.

I’ve been told that it is all about a silly little cup of ash that you fight over with people from Down Under? Even Richard Branson is getting in on the act.

Whoever hits the giant red grape with the tree thing enough in a game named after a noisy green bug gets to keep it for a while. Why keep something you can’t eat and won’t scratch you? You are some big stupid naked monkeys you lot.

Well anyway my owners at Frank PR had champion thrower Stuart Broad round to deliver news of half price deals at Ocado. He is also concerned to make you all stop my home turning into whatever burnt stuff you lot keep in that silly urn.

Well if you ask me the best way is to click one of my causes on the right and dig deep!

Manter viva esperança!

Wednesday, 1 July 2009

Dressed Heads and Fast Hooves

Olá aí cavalo, chapéu e dama fãs!

I keep saying how hot it is getting for you but now it is too hot even for me! If I could get my hands on some clippers I would consider a serious trim. That way the next time you scare me and dad with your ugly mugs pressed against the glass, I could moon you back properly like a 70s streaker.

All this heat must have barbequed your brains because how do you react? By putting small men on top of horses and making them run until most of you lose money on the whole thing.

At the same time loads of your finest females prance about with sculptures on their heads. But only a few get noticed. This year despite the sweet melting heat the Quality Street Girls were helped by my owners Frank PR to make hats inspired by their favourite chocolates. They are 100 times normal size and I’m told the lady with the Purple One on her head had to spend all day looking to avoid any visiting elephants suspecting a nutty filling! Toffee Penny and Green Triangle were less interesting to large animals, but modern art collectors put in a few offers I’m told…

And Green Triangles remind me of the arrow I would draw pointing right and down to my charity links. If I had a small enough pen. Get giving before we all melt!

Até a próxima, manter refrigerado!