Cup double and climate trouble

Olá novamente nostálgicos fãs de futebol!

Well it looks like the weather is turning somewhat more Brazilian for you overgrown lemur children so we expect to see many of you smiling at us and pointing over the weekend. Though if the glass tapping keeps up mum and dad say they will find a way to electrify it. I bet the faces you make will be even funnier to us then!

Of course in my homeland nothing gets in the way of football, not annoying taptap noises or even the lack of shoes and ball - but it is nice that the sun will be out for the FA Cup final. My owners at Frank PR are especially excited as they've helped Setanta Sports bring back the two most famous pundits from that happier, shinier time they call the eighties, Saint and Greavsie, to comment on the game. They keenly offered their support to my cause as I could use their tactical genius in my quest to get you to dig deep to save my home.

Setanta didn’t forget the naughties though as Jon Champion is going to be the world’s first Commentweeter, interacting and punditing through a modern medium named after birds.

I don’t mind birds as long as they stay away from my grape stash and are sensitive about where they relieve themselves – my luxuriant fur is hard to clean. As will be your conscience if you don’t donate soon. Especially as I’ve added Rainforest SOS which was founded by your very own Prince Charles.

Ver-te novamente em breve, os fãs de futebol!

Famous Bones

Saudações electrónicas osso caça fãs!

Mum, dad and I have been especially busy lately because your silverbacks seem to have decided to bunch up all your Bank Holidays round May time. I’ve been entertaining many more of you than usual with my moustachioed antics. As long as you do not tap on the glass we find all of you quite amusing to watch, too. It is hotter now so you are wearing less clothes than usual, reminding us of the full extent of your furless indecency.

Some of our spoddier keepers were marvelling about this new fossil that may be a common ancestor of us all. She is called Ida and is preserved well enough that we can see she was a real gourmet – her last meal consisted of fruit (giant, football sized prehistoric grapes I bet) and leaves. There is a lot of controversy as some scientists are suspicious of the amount of marketing associated with it today even though it was dug out of a famous bone pit twenty years ago. Saying she links us all might be as premature as putting a hard, tiny green banana on your cereal before you’ve even poured it into the bowl.

Ida has a TV documentary and a book deal already and I’d not be surprised if there are Ida branded dolls, novelty sausages, moustache combs, Lego play sets and commemorative pyjamas in the near future.

If the big apes at Frank PR carry on in their accustomed fashion I will soon join Ida in international fame and be able to design my own brand of grape case (to avoid that embarrassing squishing problem). The sooner you dig deep to save my home, the sooner I can concentrate on innovative merchandising so get clicking on the right - right now!

Até a próxima, olhar para fora para famosos ossos!

A dangerous adventure...

Assustador, não gosto de animais grandes macacos!

Hello again electric dreamers. I wanted to let you know about an attempt my owners at Frank PR made to make me a new celebrity friend that didn’t quite work out as expected.

One of the brave hominids from Frank went on a long and risky journey to make a new animal friend. There is just one family of Wolverines in the UK – at Edinburgh Zoo. These creatures are not nice like me – they are more dangerous than a bunch of grapes covered in spitting cobras and barbed wire. They don’t like much, but they do like video games like Activision’s new ‘X-Men Origins: Wolverine’.

So much so that Xael, the male wolverine, agreed to change his name to Logan if Activision would stump up the expense of keeping him happy for a year and do a photoshoot to commemorate it all. With great personal risk to all involved, this was done. However, Logan’s poor performance playing the game put him in such a mood that when he was asked if he would offer a message of support he said he’d rather slice me up into a hairy bit of haggis filling. And if he was asked again while he was busy playing he’d tie up my whole family by our moustaches and gut us like malformed kippers. Que desgraçado!

Well matters soon improved as my owners also had arranged to meet the far nicer, prettier and less mean Lucy Pinder to launch the game. She was so moved by my plight she even drew me a picture. Dad seems especially interested in her endorsement, but will not explain why. Maybe she has told him where to get some banana scented moustache styling clippers?

Até a próxima!

Secret Agents and Grape Breaks

Feliz Bank Holiday careca gigante irmãos! Cuidado com os impostores!

Hello again my electric friends! Well I expect to see a lot more of you in the next couple of days as it is one of those funny times when you have an extra day off. A special time to kick back, relax and sit in a big, cool potted plant with about 5.5 kilos of black grapes. And green grapes too, but not forgetting about the red! That’s if you were as evolved as me. I suspect most of you lot will be stuck in traffic.

My owners, the not-as-small-as-me simians at Frank PR just tried to trick me into thinking I had a personal greeting from the US President. After I tweaked Dad’s moustache in joy, I saw them giggling and realised that they had used an imposter! Something to do with Activision’s big new game Secret Service (links). They sent this man all around London with some scary looking bodyguards.

A faux President he might be, but his heart is clearly in the right place. Why don’t you take a lead from him, look to your right, and donate to change things for the better?

Até a próxima, mantê-la real!

Monkeys, Backs and Budgets

Pare de se preocupar você grandes símios bobagem! O clima está ficando mais agradável

Greetings my internet bretheren. Well I’ve noticed a lot of fretting and chatter from you naked types in the last week about something called a Budget.

Sounds like the codename of one of my more annoying and smelly avian neighbours. To be fair to the Silverbacks in charge, all those numbers change so much and come in long after they have happened – it must be like swinging from tree to tree while facing backwards!

My very objective Simian Opinion is that there are far fewer bananas to go round than people thought and a nasty switch from grapes to stick-in-moustache sultanas is in the offing. Most of the bananas were probably inflatable toys anyway. But what do I know. I am too obsessed with grapes to understand high finance.

Speaking of backs you’ll be pleased to know I’m spending less time on Dad’s back now and am hopping about. I now am more likely to get my fair share of the elusive round fruit and Dad seems to be happier now, too. Must be hard to have a monkey on your back - no wonder the hair on them eventually turns silver!

Até a próxima mantê-lo sóbrio!

He remind youu...

Ele está atrás de você! Meu chocolate indulging coelho adorador amigos

Well I was unable to write to you last week as there were many, many more of you naked giants about than usual peering in at us. Some were dressed as rabbits or birds, and you seemed to eat chocolate eggs en masse. I thought that it would be more fun to build a giant nest out of banana leaves and make someone sit on the eggs until they hatch. Or else eat as many as possible before being asked to breathe heavily in the direction of a beehive.

Actually, that kind of fun imagination is one of the reasons I should be brought on as Special Simian Consultant for the next series of I’m a Celebrity. In fact, panto champ Christopher Biggins himself, was recently in the offices of my owners Frank PR to record a video for Kit Kat’s ‘Working like a Machine’ campaign. I don’t know what machine he was, yet, but I’d be more than happy to impersonate a small and remarkably effective Grape Disposal Unit if Frank ask me.

Of course if it keeps getting any hotter out there, there will be no grapes, only horrible raisins that would stick in my fur. You know what to do to stop that happening, and you can get started by looking to the right, right now! Get clicking, get donating, get spreading the word amigos.

Ah, meu Deus que se parece com alguns frutos pai não tenha notado ainda! Vejo você depois!

‘G’ is for Gibbon

Saudações G20 fãs! Prazer em ver o meu presidente, o quadro também

Well I see there is a lot of talk from you massive marmosets about this G20 thing that happened in London. Pah! You’d have to be as slow as Boris not to know that everything was agreed far, far in advance except for a few last minute tantrums and forms of words. More work for PRs than the PM, if you ask me.

But don’t take my word for it – listen to my new chum Alistair Campbell, one of the most famous political operators of all time. My owners had him along to launch the ‘Time to change’ campaign, which seeks to remind all you silly simians who seem to have forgotten how many of your silverbacks suffered from mental illness. I thought everything you did was supposed to be some kind of evolution. Guess not!

Well at least Alistair is an advanced enough ape to know who the best candidate to protect his world is! By the way folk, please take time to click on the climate related links to my right – have a browse, make a donation if you fancy it – go on, I dare you!

Até a próxima, mantê-lo com base árvore!