Rumble in the Jungle

Tocar a música alta, você grandes macacos!

Well your days and nights sure are mixed up here these days. It seems you have so little sun anyway most of the time that the silly fireball has decided to clock off early for a big chunk of the year. Maybe you lot think you need less sun than you do as you have so many confusing ways of entertaining yourselves.

Like those little wires that go into your ears to deliver strange patterns of noises. The keepers call it ‘music’. As it gets darker, more of you seem to be going inside earlier to listen to these confusing vibrations.

Well that’s fine by us as the closest thing to music you lot make near here (and don’t think I’m sounding like a broken record! Ha!) is that awful tap tap tapping on the glass followed by icky cutesy noises.

My owners at Frank PR sure know a lot about music. They had a fellow who seems to have named himself after them called ‘Frankmusik’ come along to help celebrate KitKat’s Battle of the Bands. When he heard about my campaign, he offered his loud support as you can see!

I wish they had asked him to make some monkey music. We are your cousins so sure deserve our own pop charts.

I think that the drumming bit would come from tail thumping. A baboon could hoot for bass. Lyrics would deal with the heartbreak of rotten grapes, poor grooming, and unrealistic jungle enclosures. I might speak to Mum and Dad about starting a band. We could be the Jungle-y Three with the Twins as backing singers. Nós vamos governar o mundo com os nossos sons!

Of course the only thing we’ll be singing is the blues unless you unplug yourselves from your nonsense, click and donate!

Até a próxima!

Play it loud

Saudações novamente meus amigos aspirantes a rock star!

Your strange, rocky little island never ceases to confuse me. What you call a summer was just a period of such large wet greyness it was closer to being a whale then a season. Now I hear you chattering that ‘winter’ is almost upon us – but the sky is clear and full of sun. Yet when I get close to the glass it is so cold I almost stick on it. No wonder you are all such eccentric, moody and loud animals. Sometimes it is all enough to make me want to move to a nicer island where the people talk funny but the weather makes more sense.

My owner, Frank PR seem to have had similar ideas so opened up an office on a big, big island far away where the weather is nice, accents are twangy and there are very bizarre animals (but no monkeys). There are big, flat furry ducks that lay eggs in the mud and giant boxing rabbits with built in luggage. Man eating lizards sometimes invade golf courses to live in the water. All very crazy, yet they tell me there are no monkeys. I bet the lizards ate them.

The Frank people there are surrounded by the ocean so are especially concerned that my campaign succeeds or else they will end up floating around on eucalyptus leaves! Isso seria terrível!

Luckily they are introducing me to many celebrity friends that can help. Andrew Stockdale from the very loud rock band Wolfmother visited to help launch Guitar Hero 5. Despite the scary name of his band, he wants to help me save the planet.

Even if you have no guitars and don’t feel much of a hero, you can too. Just look to your right, click and donate!

Até a próxima!

Get Cape, Wear Cape, Eat Grape!

Saudações meus amigos super-herói!

It has been very noisy around here lately. Mum and Dad have been busy as Mum has just made two very small monkeys that are nice but not as nice as me. We’ve been taking turns looking after them and introducing them into our moustachioed ways. The hair on Dad’s back has just come back after having a hard time of it when I made it my home. I think I ate too many grapes and then it started to hurt – but not as much as two monkeys!

The ability to carry loads of monkeys in your hair is a kind of a super power. I’ve been thinking about super heroes and super powers a lot lately after my owners Frank PR brought The Hulk, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Thing and Human Torch to London to help drum up some interest for the new Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 game.

When they heard of my campaign they decided to support me as I can be a superhero too! They even came up with a logo for my cape. Of course to us monkeys, most of the things big apes do aren’t super heroic – they are just super stupid. Today one of you seemed to have a super ability to pick their nose when they thought I was not looking. Tão nojento!

If I had superpowers they would be more interesting than that. Like the ability to shoot giant grapes from space into my gob at will, or an electric moustache that could shock you lot every time you tap on the glass. Maybe I could turn you all into ripe bananas just by staring cutely…?

Of course with things being as they are, anyone can be a hero for the planet. Just care, click and donate to your right…

Vemo-nos em pessoas céus!

It's a fair cop

Saudações meus amigos na chuva!

I’m sorry but I really must complain about the awful state of your island here. Some days you get enough water coming out of the sky to create a new electric eel sanctuary, other times it is just as cold and grey as the inside of a wet breezeblock. I wonder how you cope, but still the energy remains for you to come and mug at us through the glass. The latest thing seems to be to add foolish ‘OOP OOP’ type noises to experimental dances. The more of your little ones are around, the more the big ones resort to this kind of behaviour. In any other context, the police would be called.

Which reminds me of the latest celebrity friends my owners Frank PR have enlisted to my cause, Sam and Mark – who came round as part of npower’s Climate Cops campaign. I wish they would take their mission to keep the world cool and nice for all of us into the sky, and hit whatever it is that makes your silly weather with a baton! Seriously, though if you don’t all put your hands up and admit the problem, the whole planet will become even less pleasant than your chilly rock of an island. You know what to do – look to your right and be reminded!

Mantenha-a limpa até a próxima!

Saunas and Simian Hairstyles

Olá aí estranho penteado com macacos!

Hello my sweaty internet friends! How are you? I could be better. The weather on your wet, grey island never ceases to amaze and disappoint me.

First enough water to create a mini Amazon on your sidewalks pours down out of the sky, and then it goes away. Before I can even be relieved at that the water disappears into the air, making things seem hotter than they are and turning my coat into a sweaty, smelly mess not unlike an old bathroom rug left in a sauna for a fortnight. This is a depressing look. I am not one of your sleazy sauna monkey types. I have no bear claw necklace or medal on a chain.

Meanwhile, you lot have taken to finding the steamy glass of our enclosure very funny indeed. Some of you use it to draw pictures that mum and dad will not explain. It can be very hard sometimes to see who has evolved from whom!

Of course if you keep on being silly with the climate the way you are we all will end up looking sweaty and wrinkled, all the time. Click to your right if you care about your hair!

Two legs bad, four legs better?

Well my computer friends we meet again!

You seem a lot happier than before. That loud green bug game we discussed before seems to be going a lot more in your favour than you expected. I bet your rivals from that Down Under place will soon be selling their tear stained cork hats on ebay in shame.

Of course if you miss crucial points in the game it will be harder for you to make fun of them. My owners at Frank PR had Jimmy Anderson, who throws those red hard grape things fast for you down to remind you that the more of that juice you drink which makes you act funny you get down you, the more likely you are to be relieving yourself when important things happen.

But what’s this? A loud hooting coming from the keepers enclosure where they have that funny glowing box with a whole miniature world in it means there has been trouble. Seems that one of your chief giant grape like object batterers has been injured. This has damaged your plans to upset the cork hat people, apparently.

All this got me thinking – your famous sport silverbacks all seem pretty fragile, despite all their money and acclaim?

Then it hit me like an overripe banana falling from the trees – your problem is that you insist on walking upright, on two legs! Like those stupid, greasy and mean ostrich things – but they are much faster and better balanced than you. Doing things upright means that you wear your legs and feet out too quickly. Spend more time on all fours and you will be hurt half as much and not trip. You would be less upset by sport problems. The innocent, lovely way your babies look at the world when they are not being loud and stinky would return for all. And most importantly, there would be no big wars as you would all get to know each other as well as dogs do.

It all makes me wish John Lennon was around to write a song about it…Ah, well!

Mantenha-o quatro patas!

Dressed Heads and Fast Hooves

Olá aí cavalo, chapéu e dama fãs!

I keep saying how hot it is getting for you but now it is too hot even for me! If I could get my hands on some clippers I would consider a serious trim. That way the next time you scare me and dad with your ugly mugs pressed against the glass, I could moon you back properly like a 70s streaker.

All this heat must have barbequed your brains because how do you react? By putting small men on top of horses and making them run until most of you lose money on the whole thing.

At the same time loads of your finest females prance about with sculptures on their heads. But only a few get noticed. This year despite the sweet melting heat the Quality Street Girls were helped by my owners Frank PR to make hats inspired by their favourite chocolates. They are 100 times normal size and I’m told the lady with the Purple One on her head had to spend all day looking to avoid any visiting elephants suspecting a nutty filling! Toffee Penny and Green Triangle were less interesting to large animals, but modern art collectors put in a few offers I’m told…

And Green Triangles remind me of the arrow I would draw pointing right and down to my charity links. If I had a small enough pen. Get giving before we all melt!

Até a próxima, manter refrigerado!

Sleeping through a rodent invasion

Cuidado com a desagradável homens nas urnas lhe grandes macacos!

Hello again my electronic jungle friends! And now I am linked up with Twitter I will be able to keep in touch with even more of you.

I’ve not been smiling as much as usual at you errant glass tapping tarsiers because when you’ve been cooing and making faces at me you should have been off down the local dusty, squash stained community hall to vote. Instead of stuffing ballot boxes with your hard earned rights you’ve been stuffing your faces with ice creams while gurning at mine! While you’ve been having fun some seriously nasty creatures have slipped themselves into Strasbourg. It would be as if I carried on hopping in time to your annoying glass tapping as a gang of smelly rodents ate all my grapes and gnawed through the roots of my tree. How silly you naked types can be.

We monkeys are experts at politics – if you groom the wrong back at the wrong time, forget to groom it, go against the fur direction or hog all the grapes the trees will shake with the biting, dung throwing and squabbling. Luckily it is just me, mum and dad here which leads to less confusion as long as my perpetual fruit rights are respected.

Of course if you carry on as you do there will be no fruit, or trees that are not the plastic variety you get in bad serviced offices. Look into your heart – then look to your right and get giving to my favourite charities!

Mantenha-o real até à próxima vez!

‘G’ is for Gibbon

Saudações G20 fãs! Prazer em ver o meu presidente, o quadro também

Well I see there is a lot of talk from you massive marmosets about this G20 thing that happened in London. Pah! You’d have to be as slow as Boris not to know that everything was agreed far, far in advance except for a few last minute tantrums and forms of words. More work for PRs than the PM, if you ask me.

But don’t take my word for it – listen to my new chum Alistair Campbell, one of the most famous political operators of all time. My owners had him along to launch the ‘Time to change’ campaign, which seeks to remind all you silly simians who seem to have forgotten how many of your silverbacks suffered from mental illness. I thought everything you did was supposed to be some kind of evolution. Guess not!

Well at least Alistair is an advanced enough ape to know who the best candidate to protect his world is! By the way folk, please take time to click on the climate related links to my right – have a browse, make a donation if you fancy it – go on, I dare you!

Até a próxima, mantê-lo com base árvore!