It's a fair cop

Saudações meus amigos na chuva!

I’m sorry but I really must complain about the awful state of your island here. Some days you get enough water coming out of the sky to create a new electric eel sanctuary, other times it is just as cold and grey as the inside of a wet breezeblock. I wonder how you cope, but still the energy remains for you to come and mug at us through the glass. The latest thing seems to be to add foolish ‘OOP OOP’ type noises to experimental dances. The more of your little ones are around, the more the big ones resort to this kind of behaviour. In any other context, the police would be called.

Which reminds me of the latest celebrity friends my owners Frank PR have enlisted to my cause, Sam and Mark – who came round as part of npower’s Climate Cops campaign. I wish they would take their mission to keep the world cool and nice for all of us into the sky, and hit whatever it is that makes your silly weather with a baton! Seriously, though if you don’t all put your hands up and admit the problem, the whole planet will become even less pleasant than your chilly rock of an island. You know what to do – look to your right and be reminded!

Mantenha-a limpa até a próxima!

No monkeying around at breakfast...

Olá meus amigos frequentemente férias!

So many of you have been doing that ‘staycationing’ nonsense or else celebrating another one of your all too rare Bank Holidays by making stupid hooting noises at us that I’ve had to take a break from typing these just to cope.

In my absence I see that my naughty owners, Frank PR have been flirting with other monkeys. Or at least monkeys that have taken a liking to their client’s breakfast crunchy thing. Seems that some monkeys at the Heythorp Zoological Gardens saw their keeper eating something tasty pretending to be a banana called Banana Puffs. Now these silly looking pink faced fellows are demanding the same for their breakfast – forgetting about what a real banana is! Your confusing lives and language never seems to amaze me.

Luckily as these are ridiculous, moustache-less Rhesus Monkeys Frank assured me they could never replace me in their affections - after I threw several squishy old grapes in their direction that is!

Of course if you lot carry on making the planet hotter you will have to worry about confused, angry wildlife interfering with more than just your breakfast. So click my causes and donate please.

Até logo amigos!

Famous Bones

Saudações electrónicas osso caça fãs!

Mum, dad and I have been especially busy lately because your silverbacks seem to have decided to bunch up all your Bank Holidays round May time. I’ve been entertaining many more of you than usual with my moustachioed antics. As long as you do not tap on the glass we find all of you quite amusing to watch, too. It is hotter now so you are wearing less clothes than usual, reminding us of the full extent of your furless indecency.

Some of our spoddier keepers were marvelling about this new fossil that may be a common ancestor of us all. She is called Ida and is preserved well enough that we can see she was a real gourmet – her last meal consisted of fruit (giant, football sized prehistoric grapes I bet) and leaves. There is a lot of controversy as some scientists are suspicious of the amount of marketing associated with it today even though it was dug out of a famous bone pit twenty years ago. Saying she links us all might be as premature as putting a hard, tiny green banana on your cereal before you’ve even poured it into the bowl.

Ida has a TV documentary and a book deal already and I’d not be surprised if there are Ida branded dolls, novelty sausages, moustache combs, Lego play sets and commemorative pyjamas in the near future.

If the big apes at Frank PR carry on in their accustomed fashion I will soon join Ida in international fame and be able to design my own brand of grape case (to avoid that embarrassing squishing problem). The sooner you dig deep to save my home, the sooner I can concentrate on innovative merchandising so get clicking on the right - right now!

Até a próxima, olhar para fora para famosos ossos!

Monkeys, Backs and Budgets

Pare de se preocupar você grandes símios bobagem! O clima está ficando mais agradável

Greetings my internet bretheren. Well I’ve noticed a lot of fretting and chatter from you naked types in the last week about something called a Budget.

Sounds like the codename of one of my more annoying and smelly avian neighbours. To be fair to the Silverbacks in charge, all those numbers change so much and come in long after they have happened – it must be like swinging from tree to tree while facing backwards!

My very objective Simian Opinion is that there are far fewer bananas to go round than people thought and a nasty switch from grapes to stick-in-moustache sultanas is in the offing. Most of the bananas were probably inflatable toys anyway. But what do I know. I am too obsessed with grapes to understand high finance.

Speaking of backs you’ll be pleased to know I’m spending less time on Dad’s back now and am hopping about. I now am more likely to get my fair share of the elusive round fruit and Dad seems to be happier now, too. Must be hard to have a monkey on your back - no wonder the hair on them eventually turns silver!

Até a próxima mantê-lo sóbrio!

Inflatable Fruits

The only way is up

Anima-te você raspou grandes macacos!

Even from under the fur of Dad’s back, I could hear you bipedal wonders talking today about inflation. Something about too few shiny round things and coloured paper to get the same goodies as before. Big grey silverbacks came out with numbers they were not expecting and then the chattering started. To me, they are just abstract shapes like tufts of fur left on the floor after a particularly effective grooming session. It just a silly thing quite separate from the fruit eating, food throwing, hooting, grooming and that other thing Dad won’t tell me about which really matter.

You laugh but we monkeys know quite a lot about economics – when I get bigger I’m sure my magnificent moustache will be stroked more than a pub dog while I consider the latest changes in grape futures pricing, or whether a quick groom is worth a nibble of a neighbour’s apple. The apple might be less sweet than one expects, and while I’m grooming the apple’s owner some naughty ape might snag my cucumber cube stash. Decisions, decisions!

Até a próxima, amigos! Mantenha-o macaco gosta!

Olá, meu nome é Frankinho.

Me on Dad’s back

This is where I’ll stay for a while other than to get a meal from mum. By that time my famous moustache will be more prominent. My role here is to work with celebrity mates that my owners, the big apes at Frank PR, get to meet. They will help me protect my home for future generations and save the planet by doing so.Stay tuned for their special messages of support!