Get Cape, Wear Cape, Eat Grape!

Saudações meus amigos super-herói!

It has been very noisy around here lately. Mum and Dad have been busy as Mum has just made two very small monkeys that are nice but not as nice as me. We’ve been taking turns looking after them and introducing them into our moustachioed ways. The hair on Dad’s back has just come back after having a hard time of it when I made it my home. I think I ate too many grapes and then it started to hurt – but not as much as two monkeys!

The ability to carry loads of monkeys in your hair is a kind of a super power. I’ve been thinking about super heroes and super powers a lot lately after my owners Frank PR brought The Hulk, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Thing and Human Torch to London to help drum up some interest for the new Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 game.

When they heard of my campaign they decided to support me as I can be a superhero too! They even came up with a logo for my cape. Of course to us monkeys, most of the things big apes do aren’t super heroic – they are just super stupid. Today one of you seemed to have a super ability to pick their nose when they thought I was not looking. Tão nojento!

If I had superpowers they would be more interesting than that. Like the ability to shoot giant grapes from space into my gob at will, or an electric moustache that could shock you lot every time you tap on the glass. Maybe I could turn you all into ripe bananas just by staring cutely…?

Of course with things being as they are, anyone can be a hero for the planet. Just care, click and donate to your right…

Vemo-nos em pessoas céus!

It's a fair cop

Saudações meus amigos na chuva!

I’m sorry but I really must complain about the awful state of your island here. Some days you get enough water coming out of the sky to create a new electric eel sanctuary, other times it is just as cold and grey as the inside of a wet breezeblock. I wonder how you cope, but still the energy remains for you to come and mug at us through the glass. The latest thing seems to be to add foolish ‘OOP OOP’ type noises to experimental dances. The more of your little ones are around, the more the big ones resort to this kind of behaviour. In any other context, the police would be called.

Which reminds me of the latest celebrity friends my owners Frank PR have enlisted to my cause, Sam and Mark – who came round as part of npower’s Climate Cops campaign. I wish they would take their mission to keep the world cool and nice for all of us into the sky, and hit whatever it is that makes your silly weather with a baton! Seriously, though if you don’t all put your hands up and admit the problem, the whole planet will become even less pleasant than your chilly rock of an island. You know what to do – look to your right and be reminded!

Mantenha-a limpa até a próxima!

No monkeying around at breakfast...

Olá meus amigos frequentemente férias!

So many of you have been doing that ‘staycationing’ nonsense or else celebrating another one of your all too rare Bank Holidays by making stupid hooting noises at us that I’ve had to take a break from typing these just to cope.

In my absence I see that my naughty owners, Frank PR have been flirting with other monkeys. Or at least monkeys that have taken a liking to their client’s breakfast crunchy thing. Seems that some monkeys at the Heythorp Zoological Gardens saw their keeper eating something tasty pretending to be a banana called Banana Puffs. Now these silly looking pink faced fellows are demanding the same for their breakfast – forgetting about what a real banana is! Your confusing lives and language never seems to amaze me.

Luckily as these are ridiculous, moustache-less Rhesus Monkeys Frank assured me they could never replace me in their affections - after I threw several squishy old grapes in their direction that is!

Of course if you lot carry on making the planet hotter you will have to worry about confused, angry wildlife interfering with more than just your breakfast. So click my causes and donate please.

Até logo amigos!

Saunas and Simian Hairstyles

Olá aí estranho penteado com macacos!

Hello my sweaty internet friends! How are you? I could be better. The weather on your wet, grey island never ceases to amaze and disappoint me.

First enough water to create a mini Amazon on your sidewalks pours down out of the sky, and then it goes away. Before I can even be relieved at that the water disappears into the air, making things seem hotter than they are and turning my coat into a sweaty, smelly mess not unlike an old bathroom rug left in a sauna for a fortnight. This is a depressing look. I am not one of your sleazy sauna monkey types. I have no bear claw necklace or medal on a chain.

Meanwhile, you lot have taken to finding the steamy glass of our enclosure very funny indeed. Some of you use it to draw pictures that mum and dad will not explain. It can be very hard sometimes to see who has evolved from whom!

Of course if you keep on being silly with the climate the way you are we all will end up looking sweaty and wrinkled, all the time. Click to your right if you care about your hair!

Two legs bad, four legs better?

Well my computer friends we meet again!

You seem a lot happier than before. That loud green bug game we discussed before seems to be going a lot more in your favour than you expected. I bet your rivals from that Down Under place will soon be selling their tear stained cork hats on ebay in shame.

Of course if you miss crucial points in the game it will be harder for you to make fun of them. My owners at Frank PR had Jimmy Anderson, who throws those red hard grape things fast for you down to remind you that the more of that juice you drink which makes you act funny you get down you, the more likely you are to be relieving yourself when important things happen.

But what’s this? A loud hooting coming from the keepers enclosure where they have that funny glowing box with a whole miniature world in it means there has been trouble. Seems that one of your chief giant grape like object batterers has been injured. This has damaged your plans to upset the cork hat people, apparently.

All this got me thinking – your famous sport silverbacks all seem pretty fragile, despite all their money and acclaim?

Then it hit me like an overripe banana falling from the trees – your problem is that you insist on walking upright, on two legs! Like those stupid, greasy and mean ostrich things – but they are much faster and better balanced than you. Doing things upright means that you wear your legs and feet out too quickly. Spend more time on all fours and you will be hurt half as much and not trip. You would be less upset by sport problems. The innocent, lovely way your babies look at the world when they are not being loud and stinky would return for all. And most importantly, there would be no big wars as you would all get to know each other as well as dogs do.

It all makes me wish John Lennon was around to write a song about it…Ah, well!

Mantenha-o quatro patas!

ASHES TO ASHES?

Boa sorte alegando sua volta estranha cinzas Inglês amigos meus!

Hello again my computer friends! Your icky unfriendly wet weather has kept us all hiding under leaves but we have been lured out to see why so many of you are excited and wearing white sweaters at the wrong time of year.

I’ve been told that it is all about a silly little cup of ash that you fight over with people from Down Under? Even Richard Branson is getting in on the act.

Whoever hits the giant red grape with the tree thing enough in a game named after a noisy green bug gets to keep it for a while. Why keep something you can’t eat and won’t scratch you? You are some big stupid naked monkeys you lot.

Well anyway my owners at Frank PR had champion thrower Stuart Broad round to deliver news of half price deals at Ocado. He is also concerned to make you all stop my home turning into whatever burnt stuff you lot keep in that silly urn.

Well if you ask me the best way is to click one of my causes on the right and dig deep!

Manter viva esperança!

Dressed Heads and Fast Hooves

Olá aí cavalo, chapéu e dama fãs!

I keep saying how hot it is getting for you but now it is too hot even for me! If I could get my hands on some clippers I would consider a serious trim. That way the next time you scare me and dad with your ugly mugs pressed against the glass, I could moon you back properly like a 70s streaker.

All this heat must have barbequed your brains because how do you react? By putting small men on top of horses and making them run until most of you lose money on the whole thing.

At the same time loads of your finest females prance about with sculptures on their heads. But only a few get noticed. This year despite the sweet melting heat the Quality Street Girls were helped by my owners Frank PR to make hats inspired by their favourite chocolates. They are 100 times normal size and I’m told the lady with the Purple One on her head had to spend all day looking to avoid any visiting elephants suspecting a nutty filling! Toffee Penny and Green Triangle were less interesting to large animals, but modern art collectors put in a few offers I’m told…

And Green Triangles remind me of the arrow I would draw pointing right and down to my charity links. If I had a small enough pen. Get giving before we all melt!

Até a próxima, manter refrigerado!