Blonde Ambitions

Saudações novamente você confuso macacos impostor!

It's been a long time since you last heard from me. There is a good reason for this and it involves a load of white cold nonsense and a dead laptop battery. First you silly lot make a big deal changing the number of your year, which seems pretty random anyway, then your gods dump a tonne of pointless white mess all over the place. The few of you that can be bothered to bother us are sliding all over the place like the Twins do on discarded banana skins.

You all look pretty similar to me, which increases the risk of mistaken identity. My owners Frank PR’s Down Under department took this to a further extreme and really put one over on me! A famous film star that has been dead for over 50 years appeared unexpectedly during their meeting with Oovie – a company that stuffs boxes with movies and lets people pay to borrow them. They were not fooled, but I was, until one of the keepers tried to take this autographed photo to put on ebay before realising it was as dodgy as a rubber grape. Mais estranho!

One thing that’s sure to be true is that my home will heat up beyond anything acceptable if you don’t look to your right and click to donate!

Vejo você depois, Malandros!

Shaking the tree

Feliz Natal gigante que macacos careca!

It is very very cold here. So cold that I’ve been refusing to type on this funny thing they put in front of me from time to time for fear of my little fingers getting stuck like the tongues of stupid people on ice cubes!

All this awful coldness does have a nice side effect, though – less tapping on the glass means a more relaxed time for me, Mum, Dad and the Twins! Fewer and fewer of you are coming to visit and many of those that do are dressed in red pyjamas with a kind of giant hat. Many have obviously false beards and moustaches. Homens Barba estranho!

It has something to do with being jolly and giving presents away – but I have yet to see any benefit – not even one mushy banana has been pushed in my direction by them! I think the keepers have misunderstood – these people are simply lost garden gnomes with insultingly fake facial hair. Why can’t you big apes take a hint from us and put as much effort into all the little hair you have as you do that on your head?

One champ in the head hair stakes is Kevin Pietersen who my owners Frank PR had in to celebrate his selection as the new Brylcreem boy. He is very famous amongst you lot for his skill hitting hard, round things you can’t eat with giant slabs of willow. I’m very excited he’s decided to come on board for my campaign!

So you know what to do – move your mouse up to one of my causes on the right – and hit the button!

Vejo você depois!

Rumble in the Jungle

Tocar a música alta, você grandes macacos!

Well your days and nights sure are mixed up here these days. It seems you have so little sun anyway most of the time that the silly fireball has decided to clock off early for a big chunk of the year. Maybe you lot think you need less sun than you do as you have so many confusing ways of entertaining yourselves.

Like those little wires that go into your ears to deliver strange patterns of noises. The keepers call it ‘music’. As it gets darker, more of you seem to be going inside earlier to listen to these confusing vibrations.

Well that’s fine by us as the closest thing to music you lot make near here (and don’t think I’m sounding like a broken record! Ha!) is that awful tap tap tapping on the glass followed by icky cutesy noises.

My owners at Frank PR sure know a lot about music. They had a fellow who seems to have named himself after them called ‘Frankmusik’ come along to help celebrate KitKat’s Battle of the Bands. When he heard about my campaign, he offered his loud support as you can see!

I wish they had asked him to make some monkey music. We are your cousins so sure deserve our own pop charts.

I think that the drumming bit would come from tail thumping. A baboon could hoot for bass. Lyrics would deal with the heartbreak of rotten grapes, poor grooming, and unrealistic jungle enclosures. I might speak to Mum and Dad about starting a band. We could be the Jungle-y Three with the Twins as backing singers. Nós vamos governar o mundo com os nossos sons!

Of course the only thing we’ll be singing is the blues unless you unplug yourselves from your nonsense, click and donate!

Até a próxima!

Hairy, scary and small

Olá, meus amigos a meia grande e pequeno!

Hello again my oversized cousins! Well we’ve been very very busy lately. So busy I’ve been more concerned with entertaining you, keeping up with the Twins and keeping sane than typing things into this crazy machine.

I’ve also been in a jealous mood about the Twins. They are cute and interesting but surely not as much as me! They just stay on Dad’s back and have so little evidence of a moustache that I’m not sure we are related at all.

We’ve all been puzzled as there have been many, many more of you coming to visit than usual. The last week has seen some proper crowding round the glass, despite your vile weather. You brought along far more of those small, loud creatures than before. One of the keepers said it was something to do with ‘half term’. I think if it was a whole term there would be such a surplus of sprogs about you’d not be able to move! Um campo das crianças!

This could be a good thing because it means whichever mugging oaf is tapping on the glass is likely to get tired, but could not be replaced. I’m not scared about that any more, just annoyed.

What is scary is the tradition you lot have of dressing up in ridiculous outfits for one night to go round demanding candy.

Trick or treat? Surely it would save money to trick anyone coming round your house with some kind of monkey magic rather than give away precious sweet things? If anyone was foolish enough to shake my tree and demand a grape they would get quite a scare, let me tell you!

What is scary of course is that if you don’t change your ways, my kind are more likely to be found behind glass than in trees. So go on – click to your right to donate and let me know of any more groups helping my cause you’d like to see here!

Até a próxima vez que você grandes macacos!

Play it loud

Saudações novamente meus amigos aspirantes a rock star!

Your strange, rocky little island never ceases to confuse me. What you call a summer was just a period of such large wet greyness it was closer to being a whale then a season. Now I hear you chattering that ‘winter’ is almost upon us – but the sky is clear and full of sun. Yet when I get close to the glass it is so cold I almost stick on it. No wonder you are all such eccentric, moody and loud animals. Sometimes it is all enough to make me want to move to a nicer island where the people talk funny but the weather makes more sense.

My owner, Frank PR seem to have had similar ideas so opened up an office on a big, big island far away where the weather is nice, accents are twangy and there are very bizarre animals (but no monkeys). There are big, flat furry ducks that lay eggs in the mud and giant boxing rabbits with built in luggage. Man eating lizards sometimes invade golf courses to live in the water. All very crazy, yet they tell me there are no monkeys. I bet the lizards ate them.

The Frank people there are surrounded by the ocean so are especially concerned that my campaign succeeds or else they will end up floating around on eucalyptus leaves! Isso seria terrível!

Luckily they are introducing me to many celebrity friends that can help. Andrew Stockdale from the very loud rock band Wolfmother visited to help launch Guitar Hero 5. Despite the scary name of his band, he wants to help me save the planet.

Even if you have no guitars and don’t feel much of a hero, you can too. Just look to your right, click and donate!

Até a próxima!

Get Cape, Wear Cape, Eat Grape!

Saudações meus amigos super-herói!

It has been very noisy around here lately. Mum and Dad have been busy as Mum has just made two very small monkeys that are nice but not as nice as me. We’ve been taking turns looking after them and introducing them into our moustachioed ways. The hair on Dad’s back has just come back after having a hard time of it when I made it my home. I think I ate too many grapes and then it started to hurt – but not as much as two monkeys!

The ability to carry loads of monkeys in your hair is a kind of a super power. I’ve been thinking about super heroes and super powers a lot lately after my owners Frank PR brought The Hulk, Iron Man, Spider-Man, Thing and Human Torch to London to help drum up some interest for the new Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2 game.

When they heard of my campaign they decided to support me as I can be a superhero too! They even came up with a logo for my cape. Of course to us monkeys, most of the things big apes do aren’t super heroic – they are just super stupid. Today one of you seemed to have a super ability to pick their nose when they thought I was not looking. Tão nojento!

If I had superpowers they would be more interesting than that. Like the ability to shoot giant grapes from space into my gob at will, or an electric moustache that could shock you lot every time you tap on the glass. Maybe I could turn you all into ripe bananas just by staring cutely…?

Of course with things being as they are, anyone can be a hero for the planet. Just care, click and donate to your right…

Vemo-nos em pessoas céus!

It's a fair cop

Saudações meus amigos na chuva!

I’m sorry but I really must complain about the awful state of your island here. Some days you get enough water coming out of the sky to create a new electric eel sanctuary, other times it is just as cold and grey as the inside of a wet breezeblock. I wonder how you cope, but still the energy remains for you to come and mug at us through the glass. The latest thing seems to be to add foolish ‘OOP OOP’ type noises to experimental dances. The more of your little ones are around, the more the big ones resort to this kind of behaviour. In any other context, the police would be called.

Which reminds me of the latest celebrity friends my owners Frank PR have enlisted to my cause, Sam and Mark – who came round as part of npower’s Climate Cops campaign. I wish they would take their mission to keep the world cool and nice for all of us into the sky, and hit whatever it is that makes your silly weather with a baton! Seriously, though if you don’t all put your hands up and admit the problem, the whole planet will become even less pleasant than your chilly rock of an island. You know what to do – look to your right and be reminded!

Mantenha-a limpa até a próxima!